John Edwards in Missouri

A couple of the other Democratic Presidential campaigns have tried to gin up some excitement by opening offices in Missouri. Oh, boy, we got phone banked - thank you.

John Edwards is the only one of the front-runners with an actual visit planned to the Show-Me State. Here's the info, for those of you who can make it:

A special event with Senator John Edwards

When: Saturday, January 19, 2008, 9:15 a.m.

Where: Carpenters' District Council of Greater St. Louis & Vicinity (CDC) Union Hall
1401 Hampton Avenue
St. Louis, MO 63139
And, if you plan to attend, please take a moment to RSVP here.

Sick of Iowa

Let me just get this off my chest - I hate Iowa's role in selecting presidents. They have the stupidest system (caucuses) with a population incapable of forming a thought deeper than "ethanol good", and yet we give them the first crack at deciding which candidates are serious and which aren't. I have never seen any justification for this idiocy other than tradition, and, let's face it, tradition has not served progressives all that well.

I say this before I know any results - if I were an Iowa resident, I would start off with Dodd, and, after the Dodd camp fails to get anywhere, I would shift over to Edwards. In case you're wondering, yes, I will happily campaign for whichever Democrat wins at the convention. For the first time since I have been watching politics, each candidate on the Democratic ticket is better and more electable than each candidate on the Republican ticket.

This isn't sour grapes speaking - I will be happy with whatever results come from our frigid sister to the North. I would rather draw names from a hat, though, that watch our Presidential candidates prostrate themselves before the Altar of Undeserving Iowa.

My Personal Primary

This is an unseemly part of the election cycle, when states like Iowa and New Hampshire fight for the extra attention attendant on being the first voters in the nomination of the Republican and Democratic tickets. The result of all this nonsense is that bad ideas that appeal to Iowans get taken seriously, and every diner and American Legion hall in the state gets visited by men and women who would normally not touch down in Iowa unless the Iowa Air National Guard scambled both its crop dusters to force their plane down.

Iowans are the spoiled brats of American politics. I've never met an American president - Iowans meet every single candidate when they go to the grocery store, and get snippy if the candidates don't know them by their first names. Ideas like ethanol subsidies would be laughed out of a rational congress, but they are part of our political landscape because both parties' leadership wants to appeal to the farmers in overalls that serve as the face of corporate farms in Iowa.

I want that kind of attention, and I've devised a plan to get it. I am announcing that the Gonemild Primary will be held on January 7, 2008 - a full week before the Iowa caucuses. That will give the campaigns a week to spin the results (winners trumpet them, losers dismiss them, and the pack finds strengths to be built upon . . .) before the Iowans get there shot. Between now and that day, I'll be available on a first ask, first serve basis to show up at barbecues and county fairs, where politicians of both parties can fawn over me and listen to my most innane babblings.

While most regular readers have probably detected a subtle democratic bias on this site, I want to assure the national media that the Gonemild Primary will have results for both Republicans and Democrats. Some may wonder exactly how the mechanics of this will work, since I'm the only person "in" Gonemild. Well, you'll just have to trust me that the process is fair and rational, and a good deal easier to understand than the Iowa Caucus system. As for the predictive value of my results, I 100% guaranty that they will be at least as accurate as the process that nominated Harkin, Gephardt and Bush the Elder over Reagan.

Just so that nobody will question my integrity, I should announce that I will NOT be accepting direct bribes for this service. I will accept free meals, though, and I will gently hint that candidates who favor subsidies for craft brewing and tax rebates for parents with two children in college will probably do better than those who refuse to take those positions. Oh, yeah, and getting out of that Iraq thing, too.

Local TV and radio stations may submit cash gifts to express their gratitude to me for the obscene amounts of ad revenue they will be receiving.

Oh, yeah, a final hint before the process starts. My lawn needs mowing, and it would be a fine photo op for a candidate trying to lose that "Eastern elite" taint. I'm looking at you, Romney and Biden. Get on it.

ELECTION WARNING - VOTING PLACES CHANGED!!

I started to post my endorsements and predictions, and decided to help voters out by linking to the website that tells you where to vote in Kansas City. Imagine my surprise, though, to find out that it gives you the WRONG INFORMATION!! For example, if you have always voted at the St. Peter's Legacy Center, you don't vote there this time, but, if you go to the Kansas City Election Board website, it will say you do.

Where DO you vote? I can't tell you, and neither can the Missouri Secretary of State, nor the Kansas City Election Board site. All I can tell you is to try to find the little card they mailed you recently, that probably got stuck in with all the campaign pieces, and tossed into the recycling bucket.

UPDATE: After playing around with the site, and trying other methods of figuring out where to vote, I have come up with a work-around to help Kansas City voters. Please follow these instructions carefully if you do not have your little postcard sent out by the Kansas City Election Board.

First, go to the KCEB website and enter your name and street name at the bottom of the left-hand column, where it says "Check your voter status", and hit "enter". THIS IS IMPORTANT - DO NOT BELIEVE THE POLLING PLACE INFORMATION ON THE PAGE THAT COMES UP. Instead, write down your four digit ward and precinct number (mine is 0809). The first two digits are your ward number, and the second two digits are your precinct number. With that information, you should go to the list of polling locations on this page, and find the polling location that will be serving your ward and precinct. Go to that location and vote for you chosen candidates.

Folks, this is ridiculous. In the last election, they made the unfortunate choice to make us use SAT-style, fill-in-the-oval forms without any assurance our votes were tallied. This time, they're shuffling the deck of polling places, on the probably-foolish assumption that we will have low turnout in an election with 12 mayoral candidates.

WHAT KIND OF NINCOMPOOPS CLOSE MORE THAN 20% OF POLLING PLACES ON THE EVE OF ONE OF THE MOST CONTESTED CITY ELECTIONS IN OUR HISTORY?? WHAT KIND OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IS IT TO THEN FAIL TO UPDATE THEIR OWN WEBSITE TO TELL THE VOTERS WHERE THEY MAY VOTE?!?! I sincerely hope that the victorious candidates will get to the bottom of this scandalous stupidity.